1 00:00:06,138 --> 00:00:08,741 "Super Best Friends" 2 00:00:36,143 --> 00:00:37,565 Okay, Carol, put the card you picked 3 00:00:37,636 --> 00:00:40,239 back into the deck so I can't see it. 4 00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:41,140 What's going on? 5 00:00:41,220 --> 00:00:43,658 This fellow, David Blaine, he's doing magic tricks. 6 00:00:43,728 --> 00:00:45,052 Hey, where'd you get that ice cream? 7 00:00:45,053 --> 00:00:46,788 Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd. 8 00:00:47,222 --> 00:00:48,090 Was that the card you picked? 9 00:00:48,125 --> 00:00:48,957 No, I'm sorry, 10 00:00:49,391 --> 00:00:50,475 I picked the four of hearts. 11 00:00:50,510 --> 00:00:52,427 Four of hearts, really? Look again. 12 00:00:52,462 --> 00:00:53,694 Aah! 13 00:00:53,729 --> 00:00:55,429 Whoa! 14 00:00:55,464 --> 00:00:57,566 - That's pretty cool, dude. - Who's this asshole? 15 00:00:57,601 --> 00:00:59,802 He's a magician named David Blaine, dude, he kicks ass. 16 00:00:59,836 --> 00:01:01,103 Where'd you guys get that ice cream? 17 00:01:01,138 --> 00:01:02,404 Sir, could you come over here? 18 00:01:02,838 --> 00:01:04,515 Now, what I want you to do, Mr.- 19 00:01:04,550 --> 00:01:05,332 Kern. 20 00:01:05,367 --> 00:01:07,609 Mr. Kern, I want you to just think about a card. 21 00:01:07,644 --> 00:01:10,475 Pick any card and picture it in your mind. 22 00:01:10,510 --> 00:01:11,478 Okay. 23 00:01:11,513 --> 00:01:13,682 Okay, just, just think about your card. 24 00:01:14,457 --> 00:01:15,957 Okay, look at me. 25 00:01:17,472 --> 00:01:18,519 Look at me. 26 00:01:19,755 --> 00:01:20,911 Look at me. 27 00:01:21,056 --> 00:01:22,357 Okay, now reach up your ass. 28 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:23,623 Huh? 29 00:01:23,658 --> 00:01:24,721 Go on, reach up your ass. 30 00:01:26,873 --> 00:01:28,873 - I don't feel nothing. - Deeper. 31 00:01:28,908 --> 00:01:30,599 I don't feel- 32 00:01:31,032 --> 00:01:32,733 Wait, wait. 33 00:01:33,529 --> 00:01:34,503 Was that the card you picked? 34 00:01:34,538 --> 00:01:36,241 Yes, oh my God! 35 00:01:36,276 --> 00:01:38,558 - Oh ho! - Wow, that's cool. 36 00:01:38,593 --> 00:01:40,142 - How'd he do that? - Thank you. 37 00:01:40,175 --> 00:01:42,557 I've been traveling from town to town for quite a while. 38 00:01:42,592 --> 00:01:44,010 I've started quite a following 39 00:01:44,045 --> 00:01:48,373 mostly because of my levitation trick. Watch. 40 00:01:52,721 --> 00:01:55,288 - Whoa! - No way! 41 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,843 Damn, that guy is the coolest guy in the Universe. 42 00:01:57,878 --> 00:01:59,169 Pamphlet, pamphlet! 43 00:01:59,204 --> 00:02:00,302 Here you go, kids, take a pamphlet. 44 00:02:00,564 --> 00:02:02,050 "David Blaine workshop." 45 00:02:02,085 --> 00:02:04,432 "Learn all about David Blaine at the center for magic." 46 00:02:04,467 --> 00:02:05,411 Dude, we gotta go. 47 00:02:05,412 --> 00:02:07,521 Yeah, they probably teach you how to do magic tricks! 48 00:02:09,638 --> 00:02:10,939 Hello everyone. 49 00:02:10,974 --> 00:02:12,205 My name is Steven, 50 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,374 and I've been a Blainetologist for about three years. 51 00:02:14,409 --> 00:02:17,507 So when David Blaine performed his miracles out on the street, 52 00:02:17,542 --> 00:02:19,092 what moved you the most? 53 00:02:19,216 --> 00:02:20,447 His miracles? 54 00:02:20,482 --> 00:02:23,952 Oh yes, you see, David Blaine is much more than a magician. 55 00:02:23,987 --> 00:02:26,518 He's a scholar, a visionary, a leader. 56 00:02:26,553 --> 00:02:28,043 When are we gonna learn magic tricks? 57 00:02:28,078 --> 00:02:28,604 Yeah. 58 00:02:28,723 --> 00:02:30,171 Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn. 59 00:02:30,458 --> 00:02:33,061 I can show you how to make your true self appear. 60 00:02:33,096 --> 00:02:34,761 Let me ask you all something. 61 00:02:34,796 --> 00:02:37,568 Do you consider yourselves to be happy? 62 00:02:38,301 --> 00:02:40,172 I don't think I'm very happy. 63 00:02:40,207 --> 00:02:42,641 I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. 64 00:02:44,095 --> 00:02:44,915 Right. 65 00:02:44,950 --> 00:02:46,473 See, the reason that you are- 66 00:02:46,508 --> 00:02:48,243 And then I always get woken up in the morning 67 00:02:48,278 --> 00:02:49,922 by the sound of my own screams. 68 00:02:50,013 --> 00:02:51,042 Do you think I'm unhappy? 69 00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:54,281 The point is, that you can be happy. 70 00:02:54,316 --> 00:02:56,654 You see, your friends and parents have programmed you 71 00:02:56,689 --> 00:02:59,067 in a way that makes you feel isolated and alone. 72 00:02:59,087 --> 00:03:03,223 How many times have you felt like nobody knows the real you? 73 00:03:03,894 --> 00:03:05,692 You're not really happy. 74 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:06,860 I'm not really happy. 75 00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:09,029 Your potential hasn't even been reached. 76 00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:11,089 My potential hasn't even been reached. 77 00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:13,125 If you look through David Blaine's incredible book, 78 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,668 you'll find a lot of life's answers. 79 00:03:14,703 --> 00:03:16,489 Let's read some of the book together, shall we? 80 00:03:16,524 --> 00:03:18,459 Then we get to be in David Blaine's secret club? 81 00:03:18,494 --> 00:03:20,417 - That's right. - Cool. 82 00:03:21,710 --> 00:03:23,853 Ike, eat your gefilte fish. 83 00:03:23,888 --> 00:03:24,246 No. 84 00:03:24,679 --> 00:03:26,132 Mom, Mom, I found out all about 85 00:03:26,167 --> 00:03:27,716 this great new magician named David Blaine. 86 00:03:27,751 --> 00:03:29,812 That's nice Kyle, Ike, eat! 87 00:03:29,847 --> 00:03:30,752 We spent all afternoon 88 00:03:30,787 --> 00:03:32,598 learning about how we aren't actually happy. 89 00:03:32,739 --> 00:03:34,656 I had no idea how unhappy I was until today. 90 00:03:34,691 --> 00:03:35,957 They gave me this school book to read 91 00:03:35,992 --> 00:03:37,177 and I'm already on chapter four. 92 00:03:37,208 --> 00:03:39,685 Well, it's nice to see you so interested in something, Kyle. 93 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,596 Ike, for the love of Abraham, you are gonna eat this! 94 00:03:41,631 --> 00:03:42,898 So, can I go to the magic camp 95 00:03:43,331 --> 00:03:44,651 to learn how to become a full member? 96 00:03:44,668 --> 00:03:47,095 All the other guys are doing it. And it's only $69.95. 97 00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:48,215 Magic camp? 98 00:03:48,273 --> 00:03:49,871 I don't know, booby, ask your father. 99 00:03:49,873 --> 00:03:51,438 Ike, you will eat this! 100 00:03:53,742 --> 00:03:57,453 Prepare to be cleansed and release the magic inside you. 101 00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:58,968 I am prepared. 102 00:04:00,934 --> 00:04:03,535 Huh, geez, it sure got cold in here. 103 00:04:03,570 --> 00:04:04,439 Next. 104 00:04:05,020 --> 00:04:07,789 Congratulations, young Blainetologists. 105 00:04:07,824 --> 00:04:09,756 From this day, you are clean. 106 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:12,437 Now, we have very important work to do. 107 00:04:12,472 --> 00:04:14,805 David Blaine is going to put on a big magic show 108 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,110 in Denver tomorrow night. 109 00:04:16,145 --> 00:04:18,900 Where he's going to eat his own head. 110 00:04:18,935 --> 00:04:19,768 Wow! 111 00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:22,158 So it's up to all you new Blainetologists 112 00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:24,177 to get as many people there as you can. 113 00:04:24,212 --> 00:04:26,617 Whoever gets the most people to come, gets a prize. 114 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:30,178 Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea. 115 00:04:30,213 --> 00:04:31,479 Hey, I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. 116 00:04:31,514 --> 00:04:33,281 - I thought you were Kyle. - No, I'm Stan. 117 00:04:33,282 --> 00:04:34,082 You're Stan? Where's Kenny? 118 00:04:34,516 --> 00:04:35,782 Who are you? I'm Kyle. 119 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,536 Heh heh, guess who I am, you guys. 120 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,945 Kyle, I think we may have gotten into something bad here. 121 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:40,553 What do you mean? 122 00:04:40,588 --> 00:04:41,890 We're learning all kinds of cool stuff. 123 00:04:41,925 --> 00:04:42,680 Look at us, dude. 124 00:04:42,681 --> 00:04:44,417 These people are trying to change us somehow. 125 00:04:44,527 --> 00:04:45,482 I think it's time we went home. 126 00:04:45,483 --> 00:04:47,750 But David Blaine is going to do more miracles in Denver tomorrow. 127 00:04:47,751 --> 00:04:49,000 I don't care, I'm leaving! 128 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:54,528 - Excuse me. - Where are you going? 129 00:04:54,563 --> 00:04:55,302 I'm going home. 130 00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:57,216 You don't want to go home. 131 00:04:57,251 --> 00:04:58,807 You said we're free to leave whenever we want. 132 00:04:58,842 --> 00:04:59,674 You are. 133 00:05:00,108 --> 00:05:02,210 - Move out of the way. - I'm not in your way. 134 00:05:02,312 --> 00:05:03,144 You are. 135 00:05:03,578 --> 00:05:05,313 Are you unhappy with the church's teachings? 136 00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:07,013 Let's just talk about it. 137 00:05:07,048 --> 00:05:09,182 I don't wanna talk about it, I just wanna leave. 138 00:05:09,217 --> 00:05:12,253 Why don't we go into the back room for a second and talk, 139 00:05:12,288 --> 00:05:13,591 then you can leave. 140 00:05:13,626 --> 00:05:15,290 That's okay, I changed my mind. 141 00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:18,326 - I'm gonna stay. - That's great news. 142 00:05:21,796 --> 00:05:22,634 Okay, it's all clear. 143 00:05:22,698 --> 00:05:24,266 - What are we doing? - We're getting out of here. 144 00:05:24,338 --> 00:05:25,716 This whole thing has gotten way out of hand. 145 00:05:25,717 --> 00:05:27,294 Whoa, whoa, I'm not going anywhere. 146 00:05:27,470 --> 00:05:28,817 Come on Kyle, this is stupid. 147 00:05:28,852 --> 00:05:29,604 It's not stupid, Stan. 148 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,877 For once in my life, I feel like I'm part of something. 149 00:05:31,912 --> 00:05:32,611 A part of what? 150 00:05:32,671 --> 00:05:34,586 Some gay-wad magician's crazy life plan? 151 00:05:34,621 --> 00:05:36,943 Don't call Mr. Blaine a "gay wad", he's a brilliant man. 152 00:05:36,978 --> 00:05:38,501 No, they just convinced you that he's a brilliant man! 153 00:05:38,562 --> 00:05:40,037 - Let's go! - I'm not going anywhere. 154 00:05:40,072 --> 00:05:41,316 Goddamn it, I'm not going with you! 155 00:05:41,351 --> 00:05:42,130 I wanna stay here! 156 00:05:42,183 --> 00:05:43,489 Huh? I thought you wanted to leave. 157 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,040 - Oh wait, who am I again? - You're Stan. 158 00:05:45,122 --> 00:05:46,979 Oh yeah. God damn it, hold on a second. 159 00:05:48,256 --> 00:05:49,557 Okay, now look dude, I'm getting out of here. 160 00:05:49,991 --> 00:05:51,292 And you're a dumb ass if you don't come with me. 161 00:05:51,327 --> 00:05:53,204 Then I guess I'm a dumb ass. 162 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,330 Kyle, please. 163 00:05:57,365 --> 00:05:59,972 You-You're my best friend. 164 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,438 Well, this is what I believe in now, Stan, 165 00:06:03,473 --> 00:06:05,138 and if you can't respect that, 166 00:06:05,173 --> 00:06:07,737 then I guess we're not best friends anymore. 167 00:06:19,741 --> 00:06:20,434 Hello, ma'am. 168 00:06:20,469 --> 00:06:22,108 My name is Kyle and this is Cartman. 169 00:06:22,143 --> 00:06:24,092 We'd like to share our interest in David Blaine with you. 170 00:06:24,127 --> 00:06:27,559 Uh-oh, my husband warned me about you "Blaine-iacs". 171 00:06:27,594 --> 00:06:29,487 I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic. 172 00:06:29,522 --> 00:06:32,505 It doesn't matter, ma'am. Blainetology is for everyone. 173 00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:34,069 There are Blainetologists who are Catholic, Buddhist, 174 00:06:34,104 --> 00:06:36,184 why, even Kyle here is a Goddamn Jew. 175 00:06:36,219 --> 00:06:37,070 That's right. 176 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:40,408 - So you're not a cult? - A cult, no. 177 00:06:40,443 --> 00:06:42,529 David Blaine is a real person. 178 00:06:42,564 --> 00:06:44,766 You may have seen his television specials on ABC. 179 00:06:44,816 --> 00:06:45,635 He also wrote a book 180 00:06:45,715 --> 00:06:46,950 and we'd like to share it with you. 181 00:06:46,985 --> 00:06:48,685 Well, all right, come on in. 182 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:49,897 Okay. 183 00:06:49,986 --> 00:06:52,120 And if you look here, you can see how David Blaine 184 00:06:52,155 --> 00:06:54,300 performed the miracle of being frozen in ice at Times Square. 185 00:06:54,359 --> 00:06:57,356 Ma'am, have you ever wondered what David Blaine's plan is for you? 186 00:06:57,357 --> 00:06:58,258 No, not really. 187 00:06:58,347 --> 00:06:59,528 Hey, you see, that's interesting, 188 00:06:59,563 --> 00:07:02,097 because I'm so thankful for David Blaine's book. 189 00:07:02,132 --> 00:07:04,597 And I'm so thankful that he showed me the way to true happiness. 190 00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:06,434 But I think about his plan often- 191 00:07:06,469 --> 00:07:08,938 David Blaine is doing a big performance in Denver tomorrow night. 192 00:07:08,973 --> 00:07:10,807 We're sure his magic will entertain and astound you. 193 00:07:10,808 --> 00:07:11,982 He's going to eat his own head. 194 00:07:12,092 --> 00:07:13,619 How many tickets can we put you down for? 195 00:07:13,878 --> 00:07:14,797 Oh, I can't go. 196 00:07:14,798 --> 00:07:16,765 Oh, come on, it will make you a happy person. 197 00:07:16,915 --> 00:07:18,496 - I am happy. - No, you're not. 198 00:07:18,531 --> 00:07:19,901 - Yes, I am. - No, you're not. 199 00:07:19,936 --> 00:07:21,217 - I really am. - No, you're not. 200 00:07:21,252 --> 00:07:22,525 - But I am. - No, you're not. 201 00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,247 - All right, two tickets. - Great! 202 00:07:24,387 --> 00:07:25,954 That's 15 people we got to agree 203 00:07:25,989 --> 00:07:27,507 to come see David Blaine perform in Denver. 204 00:07:27,542 --> 00:07:29,509 Yes, brother Kyle, but our work is not over. 205 00:07:29,544 --> 00:07:31,065 We must still recruit ten more audience members 206 00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,026 in order to get the prize. 207 00:07:32,061 --> 00:07:33,363 I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood, 208 00:07:33,398 --> 00:07:34,281 we might find that- 209 00:07:35,965 --> 00:07:38,001 Come brother Kyle, we have no time for him. 210 00:07:52,882 --> 00:07:54,158 Aah! 211 00:07:54,184 --> 00:07:57,289 You better watch yourself next time, abandoner! 212 00:08:00,256 --> 00:08:01,757 Hi Jesus, it's me. 213 00:08:01,792 --> 00:08:02,559 - Stan Marsh. - Stan Marsh. 214 00:08:02,594 --> 00:08:04,496 Of course, I know you, my child, come in. 215 00:08:04,629 --> 00:08:06,071 This guy is going around, doing magic tricks 216 00:08:06,122 --> 00:08:07,039 and saying they're miracles. 217 00:08:07,074 --> 00:08:08,494 My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome. 218 00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:10,764 You are good to bring this to my attention, Stan. 219 00:08:10,799 --> 00:08:12,392 Cults are a very dangerous thing. 220 00:08:12,402 --> 00:08:14,622 I read in the Bible that you perform miracles too. 221 00:08:14,657 --> 00:08:16,739 If you could go in front of these people and do your miracles, 222 00:08:17,073 --> 00:08:18,879 they'll all see that David Blaine isn't so special. 223 00:08:18,908 --> 00:08:21,741 The miracle I'm most famous for is turning water into wine. 224 00:08:21,811 --> 00:08:22,834 Can you do it again? 225 00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:25,363 Very well, I shall perform the miracle. 226 00:08:25,398 --> 00:08:27,150 Behold, here you can see ordinary water. 227 00:08:27,584 --> 00:08:30,066 Clear, clean. Okay, now turn around. 228 00:08:31,088 --> 00:08:33,347 Turn-Turn around. 229 00:08:35,391 --> 00:08:37,033 Okay, now turn back. 230 00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:39,405 It is now wine! 231 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:41,813 That's it? 232 00:08:41,848 --> 00:08:42,941 That's how you did that trick? 233 00:08:42,976 --> 00:08:44,032 Well, yeah. 234 00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:45,933 That trick sucks, Jesus. 235 00:08:46,236 --> 00:08:49,478 Oh, I guess it worked a little better on people 2,000 years ago. 236 00:08:49,513 --> 00:08:50,227 Dude, we have to do something. 237 00:08:50,276 --> 00:08:52,321 This guy is performing more miracles in Denver tonight. 238 00:08:52,343 --> 00:08:53,325 He's gonna get more followers 239 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,839 and it will be impossible for me to get Kyle out. 240 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:55,554 Then let's go. 241 00:08:55,615 --> 00:08:58,055 But dude, I don't think you should do that lame water to wine trick. 242 00:08:58,170 --> 00:08:59,164 Oh, don't worry. 243 00:08:59,244 --> 00:09:01,321 I have a few more miracles up my sleeve. 244 00:09:04,020 --> 00:09:05,660 This is a really good turnout. 245 00:09:05,755 --> 00:09:08,510 And now, ladies and gentlemen, David Blaine! 246 00:09:09,593 --> 00:09:11,162 Hello, my children. 247 00:09:11,795 --> 00:09:14,143 Ladies and gentlemen, may we have silence please 248 00:09:14,204 --> 00:09:18,117 as magician David Blaine will now eat his own head. 249 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:31,727 Dude, no way. 250 00:09:37,854 --> 00:09:39,082 Thank you, everyone. 251 00:09:39,589 --> 00:09:42,093 Our organization grows larger every day. 252 00:09:42,128 --> 00:09:43,967 Soon the government will even have to give us 253 00:09:44,002 --> 00:09:46,481 tax-exempt status as a bona fide religion. 254 00:09:46,516 --> 00:09:46,963 Hold! 255 00:09:47,397 --> 00:09:48,663 It's Jesus! 256 00:09:49,555 --> 00:09:50,413 What's he doing here? 257 00:09:50,433 --> 00:09:53,001 My children, it is time for you to go home 258 00:09:53,036 --> 00:09:55,169 and stop following this false prophet. 259 00:09:55,204 --> 00:09:57,807 You should be using your money and time for other things. 260 00:09:57,842 --> 00:09:59,542 These are simple magic tricks. 261 00:09:59,976 --> 00:10:00,997 His magic is interesting, 262 00:10:01,088 --> 00:10:02,579 but will it put food on your table? 263 00:10:03,012 --> 00:10:05,605 Feeding the hungry- Now, that is a miracle. 264 00:10:06,901 --> 00:10:10,196 Behold, I have here five loaves of bread and three fish, 265 00:10:10,231 --> 00:10:12,098 Certainly not enough to feed this entire crowd. 266 00:10:12,121 --> 00:10:13,474 But now, turn around. 267 00:10:16,094 --> 00:10:17,386 Turn around. 268 00:10:22,532 --> 00:10:23,780 Okay, now turn back. 269 00:10:26,869 --> 00:10:28,848 Now, how the hell did he do that? 270 00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,286 Wow! 271 00:10:34,321 --> 00:10:36,412 Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus. 272 00:10:36,892 --> 00:10:38,839 - Just like you are. - Oh, really? 273 00:10:39,015 --> 00:10:42,003 Then what's this ace of spades doing behind your ear? 274 00:10:53,329 --> 00:10:54,630 Jesus Christ! 275 00:10:54,665 --> 00:10:55,932 He's incredible. 276 00:10:56,366 --> 00:10:58,066 The old religions have failed you. 277 00:10:58,101 --> 00:11:02,005 What have they offered except for war, poverty and sadness? 278 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:05,130 Blainetology offers you the key to living your life 279 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,210 to the fullest. Will you join us? 280 00:11:07,644 --> 00:11:08,910 Yes! 281 00:11:08,945 --> 00:11:10,463 His magic is too powerful, Stanley. 282 00:11:10,498 --> 00:11:11,981 I've never seen anything like it. 283 00:11:12,415 --> 00:11:13,183 Then, what are we gonna do? 284 00:11:13,184 --> 00:11:14,590 I cannot face him alone. 285 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,853 We must get the help of all the Super Best Friends. 286 00:11:17,255 --> 00:11:18,699 Buddha! Buddha, come in! 287 00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:19,945 Super Best Friends? 288 00:11:20,006 --> 00:11:21,390 This is Buddha, Jesus, go ahead. 289 00:11:21,459 --> 00:11:22,885 Buddha, we may have a problem. 290 00:11:22,947 --> 00:11:25,415 I've just encountered a magic I've never seen before. 291 00:11:25,450 --> 00:11:28,010 I'll call everyone together. Come as fast as you can. 292 00:11:28,031 --> 00:11:30,633 Come Stanley, we must travel far and long. 293 00:11:30,668 --> 00:11:31,466 To where? 294 00:11:31,501 --> 00:11:33,670 Distances unfathomable to man. 295 00:11:34,103 --> 00:11:35,838 Yea, take hold of my robe, Stanley. 296 00:11:36,272 --> 00:11:37,573 And do not open your eyes. 297 00:11:38,007 --> 00:11:38,648 I am ready. 298 00:11:40,292 --> 00:11:41,670 Are you still keeping your eyes closed? 299 00:11:41,705 --> 00:11:42,310 Yeah. 300 00:11:42,345 --> 00:11:43,851 Good, want some peanuts? 301 00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:47,908 Congratulations, sister. 302 00:11:47,943 --> 00:11:50,153 You have learned the noble truth and are now a Blainetologist. 303 00:11:50,586 --> 00:11:52,385 Everyone! Everyone gather around. 304 00:11:52,386 --> 00:11:54,563 I have great news for all Blainetologists 305 00:11:54,645 --> 00:11:56,114 and for our new members as well. 306 00:11:56,225 --> 00:11:58,916 We've just gotten word from Mr. Blaine himself. 307 00:11:58,951 --> 00:12:01,431 The government has denied our church's request 308 00:12:01,466 --> 00:12:05,358 - for tax-exempt status! - But, we want tax-exempt status. 309 00:12:05,393 --> 00:12:06,888 Yeah, why is that good news? 310 00:12:06,988 --> 00:12:07,843 Because- 311 00:12:07,844 --> 00:12:11,065 Mr. Blaine has arranged for all Blainetologist members 312 00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:13,912 from every city and state to march into Washington 313 00:12:13,947 --> 00:12:16,274 and demand our right for tax-exempt status 314 00:12:16,335 --> 00:12:18,781 by committing a mass suicide! 315 00:12:19,215 --> 00:12:20,157 Mass suicide? 316 00:12:20,217 --> 00:12:23,089 Mr. Blaine has said that by killing ourselves in Washington, 317 00:12:23,124 --> 00:12:26,569 we are guaranteed everlasting happiness in the afterlife. 318 00:12:28,324 --> 00:12:31,360 Get your things ready, we leave for Washington at dawn. 319 00:12:31,794 --> 00:12:34,518 Did you hear that, guys? We're finally gonna die! 320 00:12:40,036 --> 00:12:42,170 All right, Stanley, you can open your eyes now. 321 00:12:42,205 --> 00:12:45,043 This is the hall of the Super Best Friends, Stanley. 322 00:12:45,059 --> 00:12:47,292 The headquarters for those who stand for what's right. 323 00:12:49,592 --> 00:12:50,356 Jesus! 324 00:12:50,446 --> 00:12:52,691 We've been working hard since we got your distress call. 325 00:12:52,741 --> 00:12:53,881 Who da kid? 326 00:12:53,916 --> 00:12:56,771 Stanley, I want you to meet some of the Super Best Friends. 327 00:12:56,953 --> 00:12:58,653 Buddha, with the powers of invisibility. 328 00:12:58,688 --> 00:13:02,082 Mohammed, the Muslim prophet with the powers of flame. 329 00:13:02,158 --> 00:13:03,863 Krishna, the Hindu diety. 330 00:13:03,898 --> 00:13:05,547 Joseph Smith, the Mormon prophet. 331 00:13:05,582 --> 00:13:06,894 Lao-Tzu, the founder of Taoism. 332 00:13:06,929 --> 00:13:09,532 And Seaman, with the ability to breathe underwater 333 00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:10,873 and link mentally with fish. 334 00:13:11,102 --> 00:13:11,976 So you mean to tell me that 335 00:13:12,105 --> 00:13:14,728 even though people fight and argue over different religions, 336 00:13:14,763 --> 00:13:16,871 you guys are all actually friends? 337 00:13:16,906 --> 00:13:19,942 More than friends, young boy, we are Super Best Friends! 338 00:13:19,977 --> 00:13:22,076 With the desire to fight for justice. 339 00:13:22,111 --> 00:13:24,649 We all believe in the power of good over evil. 340 00:13:24,684 --> 00:13:25,980 Except for Buddha, of course, 341 00:13:26,015 --> 00:13:27,285 he doesn't really believe in evil. 342 00:13:27,785 --> 00:13:29,016 Wow. 343 00:13:29,051 --> 00:13:30,786 Jesus, come look at this. 344 00:13:31,537 --> 00:13:32,522 After your distress call, 345 00:13:32,955 --> 00:13:35,550 we entered David Blaine into the Super Best Friends computer. 346 00:13:35,558 --> 00:13:36,859 Many interesting things showed up. 347 00:13:37,293 --> 00:13:39,699 He was raised in New York City by a decent family, 348 00:13:39,734 --> 00:13:41,631 but a freak washing machine accident at the age of 12 349 00:13:42,064 --> 00:13:44,254 made him learn the ways of the black arts. 350 00:13:44,268 --> 00:13:45,535 That's right, Semen. 351 00:13:47,270 --> 00:13:48,102 Sea-Man. 352 00:13:48,137 --> 00:13:49,872 That's what I said, Semen! 353 00:13:51,607 --> 00:13:52,541 Stop it! 354 00:13:56,379 --> 00:13:58,693 Cartman. Cartman, wake up. 355 00:13:59,016 --> 00:13:59,794 Cartman. 356 00:13:59,865 --> 00:14:01,698 No, Paula Poundstone leave me alone! 357 00:14:02,712 --> 00:14:03,367 It's just me. 358 00:14:04,324 --> 00:14:06,496 Brother Kyle, why do you disturb my rest? 359 00:14:06,531 --> 00:14:08,874 Dude, I don't think I want to be part of this anymore. 360 00:14:08,958 --> 00:14:09,337 What? 361 00:14:09,342 --> 00:14:10,617 I think Stan might have been right. 362 00:14:11,162 --> 00:14:12,393 Anyway, I think it's going too far. 363 00:14:12,428 --> 00:14:15,464 I mean, if I kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad. 364 00:14:15,499 --> 00:14:17,000 Yeah, I know what you mean. 365 00:14:17,035 --> 00:14:18,501 I don't want to die either. 366 00:14:18,935 --> 00:14:20,236 I haven't even got my pubes yet. 367 00:14:20,670 --> 00:14:21,971 I think we should bail. 368 00:14:22,405 --> 00:14:23,237 If we leave the group, 369 00:14:23,272 --> 00:14:25,345 maybe other people will get the courage to leave, too. 370 00:14:25,346 --> 00:14:27,843 That could be difficult, brother Kyle. 371 00:14:28,375 --> 00:14:29,042 But all right, listen. 372 00:14:29,345 --> 00:14:30,611 Why don't we sleep on it? 373 00:14:30,646 --> 00:14:33,247 If we decide to leave the faction, we can do it in the morning. 374 00:14:33,299 --> 00:14:35,181 Okay. Okay, you're right. 375 00:14:35,810 --> 00:14:37,726 Oh, Cartman... thanks. 376 00:14:43,659 --> 00:14:44,980 Cartman? 377 00:14:47,563 --> 00:14:48,369 What the hell? 378 00:14:51,467 --> 00:14:52,985 379 00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:54,468 380 00:14:54,503 --> 00:14:55,770 What have you done, Cartman? 381 00:14:55,805 --> 00:14:57,974 This is for your own good, brother Kyle. 382 00:14:58,009 --> 00:14:59,726 You must understand, brother Kyle. 383 00:14:59,761 --> 00:15:01,979 You know too much about the church. 384 00:15:02,014 --> 00:15:04,709 If you left now, you'd become a danger to our cause. 385 00:15:04,744 --> 00:15:06,453 And you know what else Kyle said? 386 00:15:07,130 --> 00:15:10,117 Kyle, he said that if we were all going to commit suicide 387 00:15:10,152 --> 00:15:11,730 that he wouldn't do it. 388 00:15:11,765 --> 00:15:13,399 Cartman, you fat ass tattletale! 389 00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:15,127 At least I'm not the boy in the plastic bubble. 390 00:15:15,162 --> 00:15:17,059 The suicide pact will go as planned. 391 00:15:17,094 --> 00:15:19,668 If we die, we all die together. 392 00:15:23,132 --> 00:15:26,168 Meanwhile, at the hall of Super Best Friends... 393 00:15:26,203 --> 00:15:27,468 Look at that, Jesus. 394 00:15:27,518 --> 00:15:29,896 His followers are growing at a rate even faster than mine. 395 00:15:30,107 --> 00:15:31,608 It appears this David Blaine is as dangerous 396 00:15:31,643 --> 00:15:33,600 as you and your young friend had feared. 397 00:15:33,635 --> 00:15:34,393 I knew it. 398 00:15:34,482 --> 00:15:36,579 Here, I have a videotape of his performance the other night. 399 00:15:36,813 --> 00:15:38,748 Perhaps we should have Moses look at the tape 400 00:15:38,783 --> 00:15:40,049 and see what he comes up with. 401 00:15:40,084 --> 00:15:41,470 Moses, scan this tape. 402 00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:43,318 Can you tell us the source of Blaine's power? 403 00:15:43,554 --> 00:15:45,471 Give me the information. 404 00:15:46,555 --> 00:15:48,256 Wow, the Moses. 405 00:15:48,291 --> 00:15:50,539 His magic is a combination of 406 00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:53,062 centrifugal alignment and slight of hand. 407 00:15:53,097 --> 00:15:54,328 Wait a minute. 408 00:15:54,363 --> 00:15:55,935 I'm picking up movement 409 00:15:55,970 --> 00:15:58,050 from Blainetologists all over the country. 410 00:15:58,085 --> 00:16:00,436 The Blainetologists are heading to Washington. 411 00:16:00,471 --> 00:16:02,769 - But why? - Wait a minute. 412 00:16:02,839 --> 00:16:04,784 At his performance, David Blaine said something 413 00:16:04,819 --> 00:16:06,509 about trying to get tax-exempt status. 414 00:16:06,544 --> 00:16:07,775 - Oh my God! - What? 415 00:16:07,810 --> 00:16:09,111 If he gets tax-exempt status, 416 00:16:09,545 --> 00:16:11,280 then he'll become a real religion. 417 00:16:11,315 --> 00:16:13,808 He would become unstoppable. 418 00:16:13,883 --> 00:16:16,450 Meanwhile, in the nation's capital, 419 00:16:16,485 --> 00:16:18,871 Blainetologists from all over the country 420 00:16:18,906 --> 00:16:21,222 have gathered to commit mass suicide. 421 00:16:21,257 --> 00:16:24,258 If the government will not give us tax-exempt status, 422 00:16:24,293 --> 00:16:27,766 then we must prove that we are willing to die for our beliefs. 423 00:16:27,801 --> 00:16:29,897 All right, brothers and sisters, gather around. 424 00:16:29,932 --> 00:16:32,534 It's time to drown ourselves in the reflecting pool. 425 00:16:32,569 --> 00:16:35,137 However, the reflecting pool is a little more shallow 426 00:16:35,571 --> 00:16:36,717 than we originally thought. 427 00:16:36,767 --> 00:16:39,041 So to drown ourselves, you will need to lie on your stomach, 428 00:16:39,475 --> 00:16:42,189 face down, until you die, as such. 429 00:16:47,717 --> 00:16:48,822 Next! 430 00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:52,003 Meanwhile, at the White House... 431 00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:54,275 Mr. President, we can't let them all kill themselves. 432 00:16:54,310 --> 00:16:56,826 But we can't give them tax-exempt status either, Carl. 433 00:16:56,861 --> 00:16:58,526 Hey George, what's going on? 434 00:16:58,561 --> 00:17:00,946 All right brother Kyle, it is time for us to die. 435 00:17:00,981 --> 00:17:03,332 Cartman, we've been brainwashed, don't you see? 436 00:17:03,766 --> 00:17:04,598 We don't have to do this. 437 00:17:04,633 --> 00:17:06,369 But it's the only way for us to be happy! 438 00:17:06,404 --> 00:17:07,236 Cartman, no! 439 00:17:11,507 --> 00:17:14,543 Give us what we want or we will continue to die. 440 00:17:15,169 --> 00:17:16,856 Not so fast, David Blaine. 441 00:17:16,891 --> 00:17:18,196 Jesus! Not again. 442 00:17:18,231 --> 00:17:20,616 Yes, but this time, I've brought some help. 443 00:17:21,050 --> 00:17:22,316 Super Best Friends, ho! 444 00:17:22,351 --> 00:17:23,435 Buddha! Mohammed! John Smith! 445 00:17:23,470 --> 00:17:24,520 Krishna! Lao-Tzu! Seaman! 446 00:17:24,954 --> 00:17:27,990 The mass suicide is over, Blaine, and so are you. 447 00:17:28,025 --> 00:17:29,769 I don't think so. Get them! 448 00:17:31,265 --> 00:17:31,953 Aah! 449 00:17:31,988 --> 00:17:33,894 Ice breath should take care of you. 450 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:37,111 Kyle, Kyle! 451 00:17:37,146 --> 00:17:38,806 Sweet salvation! 452 00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:41,936 Kyle?! 453 00:17:46,673 --> 00:17:48,640 Oh my God, they killed Kenny! 454 00:17:48,675 --> 00:17:50,112 You bastards! 455 00:17:50,567 --> 00:17:51,367 Kyle? 456 00:17:51,414 --> 00:17:52,715 Oh my God, they killed Kenny! 457 00:17:53,149 --> 00:17:54,849 You bastard! 458 00:17:55,438 --> 00:17:57,486 Oh my God, they killed Kenny! 459 00:17:57,521 --> 00:18:00,054 - That takes care of them. - Now it's your turn, Blaine. 460 00:18:00,089 --> 00:18:03,139 Perhaps you need to see some real magic. 461 00:18:07,029 --> 00:18:09,471 Raaaaarh! 462 00:18:09,632 --> 00:18:13,102 - Oh, this looks like trouble. - So long, super bestfools! 463 00:18:13,137 --> 00:18:14,368 - Kyle! - Stan! 464 00:18:14,403 --> 00:18:15,704 Kyle, you can't kill yourself. 465 00:18:15,739 --> 00:18:16,971 I don't want to kill myself. 466 00:18:17,006 --> 00:18:18,853 They rigged this thing to fill with water. 467 00:18:21,343 --> 00:18:23,512 We've got to stop that oversized Abraham Lincoln. 468 00:18:23,547 --> 00:18:24,380 Mohammed! 469 00:18:26,115 --> 00:18:27,416 Aah! 470 00:18:27,850 --> 00:18:28,717 Great Scott! 471 00:18:30,453 --> 00:18:32,083 Okay, try again. 472 00:18:36,525 --> 00:18:38,260 It is too powerful, Jesus. 473 00:18:38,295 --> 00:18:39,960 It seems to have no weakness. 474 00:18:39,995 --> 00:18:41,730 There has to be a way to destroy it. 475 00:18:41,765 --> 00:18:42,997 Jesus to Moses. 476 00:18:43,032 --> 00:18:45,634 Meanwhile, at the Super Best Friends league... 477 00:18:46,068 --> 00:18:46,936 Come in, Moses. 478 00:18:47,595 --> 00:18:48,213 What? 479 00:18:48,237 --> 00:18:51,112 We need to know how to kill a giant stone Abraham Lincoln. 480 00:18:52,176 --> 00:18:53,170 Umm... 481 00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:56,539 Wait a minute, ummm... 482 00:18:56,912 --> 00:18:59,741 A giant stone John Wilkes Booth? 483 00:19:02,551 --> 00:19:03,853 You heard him, Super Best Friends. 484 00:19:04,286 --> 00:19:06,889 We've got to make a giant stone John Wilkes Booth. 485 00:19:06,924 --> 00:19:09,058 Krishna, we're going to need wood for a mold. 486 00:19:09,093 --> 00:19:11,557 Form of a beaver. 487 00:19:15,131 --> 00:19:16,432 I will find sources of concrete. 488 00:19:16,866 --> 00:19:19,034 You, get the water to mix it with, Semen. 489 00:19:20,336 --> 00:19:22,470 Using the wood that krishna cut down as a beaver, 490 00:19:22,505 --> 00:19:26,408 Jesus uses his master carpentry skills to make a giant mold. 491 00:19:26,443 --> 00:19:27,710 That should do the trick. 492 00:19:28,144 --> 00:19:29,410 Now for some concrete. 493 00:19:29,445 --> 00:19:31,847 Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, 494 00:19:31,882 --> 00:19:34,650 Semen seeks out water to mix with the concrete. 495 00:19:34,685 --> 00:19:36,149 Sea-Man! 496 00:19:36,385 --> 00:19:37,651 Look, Swallow, 497 00:19:37,686 --> 00:19:39,421 we should be able to divert the water with that pipe. 498 00:19:39,855 --> 00:19:43,325 And so, Semen and Swallow get to- Get to work. 499 00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:45,915 Kyle, you have to hold your breath. 500 00:19:52,434 --> 00:19:53,832 Oh, very funny. 501 00:19:58,507 --> 00:20:00,155 Lao-Tzu, bring it to life. 502 00:20:00,676 --> 00:20:01,977 Using his power of Taoism, 503 00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:06,595 Lao-Tzu becomes one with the giant stone John Wilkes Booth. 504 00:20:11,513 --> 00:20:12,282 Ah! 505 00:20:13,472 --> 00:20:14,174 It worked. 506 00:20:14,209 --> 00:20:17,593 Now freeze over the pool so no one else can drown themselves. 507 00:20:20,629 --> 00:20:22,329 Hey, I was just about to do it. 508 00:20:22,364 --> 00:20:24,967 Later, at the exact same location... 509 00:20:25,002 --> 00:20:26,667 Damn you, Super Best Friends. 510 00:20:26,702 --> 00:20:29,738 Your magic is no match for our powers combined, Blaine. 511 00:20:30,172 --> 00:20:32,775 Then I guess you win this time, super best fools. 512 00:20:32,810 --> 00:20:34,510 But I'll be back. 513 00:20:36,679 --> 00:20:37,546 Goddamn it! 514 00:20:37,581 --> 00:20:40,149 It's all right. Everything is as it should be. 515 00:20:40,583 --> 00:20:41,937 Shut up, Buddha. 516 00:20:42,751 --> 00:20:44,920 Our leader, he's- He's leaving us! 517 00:20:45,354 --> 00:20:47,114 Don't leave us, David Blaine. 518 00:20:47,124 --> 00:20:48,390 Listen up, everyone. 519 00:20:48,624 --> 00:20:50,993 You don't need David Blaine to tell you how to live. 520 00:20:51,028 --> 00:20:53,162 See, cults are dangerous because they promise you hope, 521 00:20:53,197 --> 00:20:55,131 happiness and maybe even an afterlife. 522 00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:56,766 But in return, they demand you pay money. 523 00:20:56,801 --> 00:20:58,506 Any religion that requires you to pay money 524 00:20:58,541 --> 00:21:00,935 in order to move up and learn its tenets is wrong. 525 00:21:00,970 --> 00:21:03,138 You see, all religions have something valuable to teach. 526 00:21:03,173 --> 00:21:05,307 But just like the Super Best Friends learned, 527 00:21:05,342 --> 00:21:06,956 it requires a little bit of them all. 528 00:21:09,104 --> 00:21:11,345 He's right. He's right! 529 00:21:11,380 --> 00:21:12,947 Thanks for saving us, Stan. 530 00:21:12,982 --> 00:21:14,381 You're my super best friend. 531 00:21:14,416 --> 00:21:15,718 You're my super best friend too, Kyle. 532 00:21:16,151 --> 00:21:17,851 Oh, that's so sweet, you guys. 533 00:21:17,886 --> 00:21:19,889 You want to go get a room so you can make out for a while? 534 00:21:22,658 --> 00:21:23,959 Ow, stop it! 535 00:21:24,393 --> 00:21:26,527 Well, it looks like everything worked out. 536 00:21:26,562 --> 00:21:30,032 And so Jesus and his companions leave Washington. 537 00:21:30,067 --> 00:21:32,166 But their return is assured, 538 00:21:32,201 --> 00:21:34,374 for there will always be a need for...